Judy Bernly: “Don’t you tell me what I can or can’t be serious about, or what is or isn’t me! If I want to play S&S and M&M and all those other bondage games, or even smoke pot, that’s my business!”
December 21, 1937. Jane Fonda. 88
Jan 19, 1946. Dolly Parton. Died today, 2026. 80
September 1, 1939. Lily Tomlin. 86
January 3, 1932. Died May 2024. Dabney Coleman. 92
What a loss for the world and for readers and sensible people. And what fun that movie was.
Anna Gunn (pictured) got the worst of it in this series: both as the character she played (Skylar White) and the actor in real life. While Bryan Cranston soared into the heights of acting fame and Aaron Paul became someone nearly everyone wanted to bed, she became — and still is to some extent — someone those horrible fans actually loathed.
It’s pretty common for people to confuse the actor with the acting, but I think the hatred of the character is what fueled the hatred of the actress, and I think they, the fans, are utterly and moronically wrong about both the character and the actor.
I’m up to season 3 and this season is really where the series starts to slow down, starts meandering, goes off on paths that might have a tangential relationship to the basic theme. Part of the problem with any long running and successful series is that actors and their agents start demanding more screen time, money and involvement in the plot. The union rules in England vs. the U.S. are extremely different, so it makes more sense for the English produce a show that is basically a single season of six episodes, like “Baby Reindeer,” or, in the case of a hit show like “Downton Abbey” a story line that kills off or gets rid of the actors who have offers to do other work. (I’m not sure it worked out for Dan Stephens, but so be it.)
But the main point of this season, I think, other than drawing Walter and Jesse further into this drug world, is to lure Skylar into the crime. When she intuited at the end of Season 2 that her husband is a drug dealer, (he’s a distributor, not a dealer, Walter insists, which kind of reminds me of those gay men from ages ago who insisted they would never ever be passive in that kind of a relationship, but only the active one, or the one penetrating).
Skylar tells her lawyer about all of it and the lawyer states unequivocally “leave immediately.” She doesn’t, of course. But, as the lawyer tells her, the instant she doesn’t leave she becomes an accessory after the fact.
[There was a great moment in the relatively poor television version of the Bernie Madoff story where the two sons visit their lawyer and explain that their father has admitted to running a massive ponzi scheme. But it’s okay, they say, because “dad’s” going to make sure everyone’s taken care of before he turns himself in. The lawyer immediately stops the conversation, mid-sentence and says, “You’re talking about an ongoing crime.” They were so spoiled and deluded they didn’t even think about the fact that “making things right” is just “making things right with stolen money.” And once they know, their only choice, if they don’t want to go to jail, was to turn him in immediately. I believe they did. But in that sad true story, both sons died – one of suicide, and Madoff died in jail. Only the wife survived, and she had nothing left, except whatever they allowed her to keep.]
Well Skylar in this case thinks she’s protected because she won’t have to testify against her husband. Already she is starting to think like a criminal. But what she fails to take into account is that they can prosecute both of them without requiring either to testify against the other. Her naivete leads her to committing crimes and eventually entering into the money laundering aspect of it drug dealing. But with her, I didn’t think there’s any indication that she consciously wishes to break bad — and that is probably one of the over-arching themes of the show. Did Walter go bad because society mistreated him at every turn, or did he break bad because he really wanted to. Anthony Bourdain, in the documentary that came out just after Covid restrictions were lifted, talked about how he knew he was going to become a heroin addict and didn’t have to, but that he wanted to. I’m not a Bourdain guru like some people, but I thought this was beautifully honest. That same question is going to rise in importance as this series goes on. It might even be the final question — the dying question.
Now, onto the body count. Where were we. I believe we were at 175 bodies that can be directly or indirectly attributable to Walter White’s decision to start cooking crystal meth and his pride which appears to be a wound that will not heal or even close up a little.
The end of Season 2 introduced Saul Goodman (every criminal needs a lawyer), Mike, the cleaner, and Gustavo Fring (Gus), who is one of the two main dealers in the area — the other dealer that controls the territory is a Mexican group called the Salamanca Cartel. The beginning of this season introduces “the twins” — nephews of Hector Salamanca, who are there to avenge their cousin Tuco’s death. (Remember that Hank was the one who killed Tuco.) The twins in either episode 2 or 3 of this season are recognized as they try to use an illegal migrant truck to cross the border. I guess because they were recognized, they kill everyone on the truck and the driver of the truck as well. The dialogue later said 9 bodies plus the driver. I counted 12 people in the truck plus the driver, but I’ll go by the dialogue. So
Body count: 185.
The psycho twins also kill a lady in order to steal her mini van. +1 Donald Margolis (Jane’s father) is heard over the radio that he killed himself after the air traffic disaster: +1. In episode 7 of this season, the twins are encouraged to go kill Hank (not Walter) by Gus Fring, but Hank first pins one of the twins with his car and then manages to shoot the other twin in the head. An anonymous woman is killed but I can’t remember why. I also have in my notes “Miss Paketewya” and “Indian cop” killed by psychos. After this shootout, Hank is gravely injured, one twin is dead and the other has lost his legs. So I’m going to +4 not including the one twin because he isn’t dead yet.
Body count: 191.
But in the next episode, Mike injects the still living twin with something that gives him a heart attack, and a character named Bolsa, who has become Fring’s enemy, is surrounded by Federales and he and his body guards are all killed. +4 or more (I’ll have to watch it again).
Body count: 195.
Through various plot twists, Jesse meets a young woman who will become important to him. But right now her importance is that she has a son named Brock and her little brother named Tomas. Tomas is the one who killed Combo. Combo was killed because he was in someone else’s territory and they made a little kid do the killing. After some fights and so on, the drug dealers kill little Tomas, (+1) so Jesse vows to kill these drug dealers. This time he comes close, although you have the distinct sense that he will not be able to do it, or that he will fail and get himself killed. But before he can do anything, Walter runs the druggies over with his car. He jumps out and shoots the still living one in his head. He does this with almost no hesitation. (+2)
Body count: 198.
And finally, at the end of season 3, Jesse kills. He has to or he will be killed himself. Walt warms him through some trickery that if he doesn’t kill his new assistant (an oddball character named Gale Boetticher) they will kill him. Jesse’s only way to stay alive is to be Walt’s assistant and with Gale being a possible and better replacement, he has no choice. Oh, and they are also grooming Gale to become Walter’s replacement as well, so Walt isn’t exactly looking out for Jesse at this moment. In fact, I think before Walter is brought back to the lab by Victor (the new watchman after Gus killed the first one for no reason at all), he was on his way to kill Gale himself.
Anyway, Jesse has, basically, a 20 minute head start because of where they are in the city. The season ended on a kind of cliffhanger because they never showed Jesse actually shooting Gale. But he did and Gale is +1 for the 3rd season.
I think Aaron Paul won his first Emmy for this season or episode.
Body count: 199.
-30-
In the second season, we are introduced to an insane, psychopathic, distributor named Tuco. Tuco is a character who loves to kill — probably gives him some sort of sexual endorphin filled rush which is why he has no qualms about doing it over and over. His relationships are all transactional — he beats one of his “lieutenants” (I’m making up ranks and things) because he made an innocuous statement which Tuco misinterpreted or purposely got enraged over, and then, a few minutes later, comes back and throws the body on the ground and screams at him (the corpse) that was too much of a bitch to take a beating. The other lieutenant dies in a freak accident, but this just makes Tuco laugh. For the series, the body count is now 4.
It also, incidentally, makes Hank, Walter’s brother in law, laugh. These two are supposedly on the opposite sides: one bad and one good. Hank poses for a picture with the headless body, thumbs up like Trump with his weird ass thumb, and kind of the way those horrible soldiers in Iraq posed with the Iraqi hostages with their thumbs up and grins. [And we wonder why people in the south gathered around a lynched black body hanging from a tree to have their picture taken. They were the same, they just weren’t part of the “thumbs up” culture.]
The series did a little bit of regression here, I think. Walter becomes a little bit more scared than he was in the first season — he seems to be a little bit too shocked at some of Tuco’s behavior, given that he’s already killed 2 drug dealers himself. But this regression was probably necessary because by now they knew the show was a hit and they probably had a showrunner involved who was planning how to tell the multiple stories over 5 seasons, etc. You can’t start at the end, so they stepped back a little and made both Jesse and Walter a tiny bit more frightened and naive.
Jesse has a fight with Walter in one of these episodes, and starts to choke him, but he backs down. He does not kill. Later, in the episode where they’ve been kidnapped by Tuco who is going to take them down to Mexico to escape the DEA, Jesse shoots Tuco in the stomach during a scuffle. But it isn’t Jesse who kills him. In fact, Tuco doesn’t seem to be very much bothered by the stomach wound and has a shootout with Hank who has come to this remote location to look for Jesse — having found a few clues that tie Jesse to Walter. Hank is the one that shoots Tuco in the head, calm and steely, and kills him. Body count: 5. This is helpful for Walter and Jesse, as they get away from someone who was undoubtedly going to kill Jesse for being useless and kidnap Walter to Mexico. But in furtherance of the plot, it creates a gap in the distribution market. Tuco was the distributor in the Albuquerque area — the one who brought the drugs up from a Mexican cartel near Juarez and had a network of dealers and second level dealers to sell it to all the meth heads in Albuquerque. Without a distributor, Walt and Jesse can’t make 2 pounds of meth every week and sell it for $36,000 a pound, or whatever they’re getting.
The interaction with Tuco, however, leaves them shaken to the core. In spite of the fact that earlier in the series, when Tuco stole all their money as well as their drugs, Jesse, who was told by Walter to go get their money, got beat up — I may be remembering this wrong — and ended up in the hospital. Walter, who is going by the name Heisenberg, goes to the same gang hideout with what is, supposedly, a bag of crystal rocks. (They call it glass because it isn’t cloudy). Walter demands his money but Tuco attempts to throw him out. At that moment, Tuco decides to smash the “crystal” but it turns out to be an extremely potent explosive. The entire place it destroyed — Walt hit the ground knowing what would happen — and walks away with his money and his drugs. So being that shaken when Tuco was on a machine gun rampage with his brother in law doesn’t really make that much sense. But we’re talking trivial details.
The plan Walter comes up with to explain his “absence” without revealing that he had been kidnapped, is to get naked and stand in the middle of a gas station candy and soda store. For this he has to go an extensive series of counseling and during one of his sessions he “confesses” to the therapist that he made it up, because he was sick of people fussing over him and he was sick of the medicine and he was sick of the nausea. So he left, and then used the naked episode to try to convince people he had a fugue episode. This isn’t actually true, but it’s a believable truth to a therapist. At this point, Walter has lied so often: to his wife, to himself, to his son, to Hank, to Jesse, the school where he teaches, that you almost get a sense of the good lying and the bad lying. Like when he makes up reasons for his wife, they are utterly unbelievable and everyone can see right through the lie. With the lie to the therapist, there’s a bit of truth in there, and so the lie is delivered more successively by the actor and it is, almost, believable. If we didn’t know the rest of the story, we’d probably accept it as true.
We have to remember that almost all of us listen to things that people say and believe what they say. It’s practically impossible to do otherwise. I’ve known some (maybe one person, actually) people who never accept what people say at face value. But for most people, if someone comes in and says, “Oh look what I bought at Sax this morning,” we believe an almost uncountable number of things that person just stated. We believe that person went to Sax, in the morning, bought something there, had an uneventful rest of the day, and is now showing it you. They could have stolen it from Sax. They could have stolen it from another store. They might have been arrested, been caught in an accident. Someone could have given it to them. Maybe it’s an old purchase and it wasn’t today at all. Maybe they’re trying to distract you from something completely unrelated to a purchase. But we believe, for the most part, the things people say because that is our nature. It would be next to impossible not to believe that people are generally not trying to fool you or lie to you. They might be exaggerating, engaging in some hyperbole, telling a tall tale, talking about the fish that got away — but we kind of enjoy that sort of lie.
Since this analysis was really meant to look at how the series deals with “Good and bad” — Walter’s descent into badness or maybe even evil — Walter is the obvious character, but Hank’s character, in my opinion, essentially starts out bad and, maybe as he goes on, becomes a little bit more good. He is a horrible racist even though he has a Mexican partner who puts up with being called a Beaner. He’s a pretty terrible husband. And what’s most awful, in my opinion, about Hank is what a lazy thinker he is. In the rest of the season, we’ll come to see that he’s actually a pretty clever agent. There is a person who the gang (at this point in the season it’s Walter, Jesse and a new character, Saul, the lawyer) hires to pretend to be Heisenberg and takes money in order to go to jail. Hank, alone, doesn’t buy it. That’s because he has good instincts and probably the same instincts as criminals have. He is blind to his brother in law, right now. But, culturally, he is so irritatingly middle class, middle America. He’s part of the very large group of people who think Hillary Clinton was talking about them when she referred to half of Trump supporters as a basket of deplorables.
[Incidentally, that phrase probably cost her the election. It doesn’t seem possible that something so small could change the outcome, but I think it did. For one thing, every supporter of Trump thought they were in that basket. She clearly said, “half” his supporters, but that’s not what they heard and she should have known that nobody would make the distinction between one half and the other. Secondly, it was a beautifully written phrase: memorable, sharp and accurate. It has lasted, probably, beyond any other phrase of that season. Make America Great Again has become a movement, but I wouldn’t call it beautiful, sharp or accurate. You could probably substitute “Great” for “White” and get at the real meaning. Deplorables was effective because it was true, while Maga is just a disguised and invented nostalgia. Anyway…]
Hank’s wife is a shoplifter who cannot admit she has a problem, but she also is extremely judgmental and a racist, so she is full of “bad” while pretending to be middle class and hypocritically judging all the other bad people: Mexicans, drug dealers and so on.
Jesse is my favorite character and it could be because Aaron Paul is such a lovable actor, not because the character is someone you would want to fall in love with. If there’s any of the bobble heads I’d all in love with it’s probably Badger. But I think Jesse’s role in the entire series is probably as “pretend bad.” He is possibly, one of the only good people on the show, and I’m including the CP son who became a kind of disability spokesperson and hottie when the show was running.
Also in this season, Jesse found a girl living next door to him whose name is Jane and is a “recovering” drug user (heroin) — she likes to lace her heroin with a little crystal she says. After meeting Jesse, she falls off the wagon very quickly and becomes re-addicted to heroin, with all the messiness and crap that goes with it. Her father is Q, from Star Trek — John De Lancie. He is, perhaps, very close to the end of his patience with her. All drug addicts of this nature end up exhausting their parents ability to keep caring. In any event, Walter, who has made an acquaintance with someone who can sell their enormous quantity of blue crystal meth, has to break into Jesse’s apartment to steal it. Jesse reveals where it is in a heorin and meth drug haze that he won’t remember, and Walter gets the stash. Then Walter sees Jane start to vomit and choke on her own puke. He rushes over to help her — turn her on her side — but then stops and lets her die. None of this would have happened had Walter not shaken Jesse to try to wake him up and find out where the crystal was. In doing so, he knocked Jane over onto her back and she had earlier mentioned to Jesse that they had to sleep on their side in case they puked while they were sleeping in their high.
Body count: 6.
Other bodies that I don’t need to enumerate because they don’t relate to Walter turning to evil (yet): Combo — a small time dealer that gets shot on the street by a little kid in a bike (this kid will become an important plot point later) — 7. An informant named Tortuga (Spanish for tortoise) who gets his head chopped off by a cartel and attached to a land tortoise in the desert: body count 8. And then Jane’s father, having a nervous breakdown while trying to run an air traffic control screen, allows two planes collide in mid-air, right over Walter’s house and neighborhood, 167 passengers. I’m doing body counts based on associations as well as direct killing by Walt.
Body count: 175 — just about all of these people would be alive if Walter White didn’t decide to cook meth to make some money to pay for his cancer treatment and to leave his family some $$$ when he found out he was terminally ill.
-30-
I mention this movie (the photo is from the CD) only because the writer and director was Dirk Shafer, who made a name for himself by becoming the first Playgirl nude model to come out as gay.
He made this movie in 2001 and it was released in the usual handful of small independent theatres like the Quad in New York City. It grossed $200,000 or thereabouts.
I remember being very affected by this movie, for a number of reasons.
The first is that I thought it was almost unbelievably bleak and true. Another movie that came out around the same time was called Hard On and it was praised and talked about the struggles of a young man with a conservative family trying to find his way in the Australian gay scene. But if you look closely at that movie, every single sexual episode is disgusting or borders on rape. There is nothing actually kind in the gay world of that movie. But his family life softens the blow, so to speak. And I think people were fooled by the bleakness of that film into thinking that it depicted a struggle.
This was brutally honest, I thought. It showed in almost a casual way, how the joy of doing drugs and having as much sex as you want, as well as being beautiful and reveling in the hedononism of gay male body worship and sexuality can snare a person. These were the sorts of things that I thought would be addressed, maybe obliquely, in the Christophjer Nolan version of The Odyssey. In that journey, in the ancient epic poem I mean, Odysseus is constantly distracted by sex and drugs and temptation on his way home to Ithaca to be reunited with Penelope. The episode with the Cyclops takes a year I think, and I believe it takes another year to deal with the sorceress Circe. His time with Calypso goes on for almost 7 years and for most of those 7 years he simply doesn’t remember what he was supposed to be doing, so drugged up he is by the Lotus flowers.
Well he doesn’t really want to get there, does he? He’s having too much fun. But that wasn’t in the Nolan version, which is absolutely fine with me.
Anyway, Circuit was just about as true as I’ve ever seen. The fact that it’s bleak does not stain the gay community unless you have a singular worry about perception — like we can’t say anything “bad” about the gay community because it betrays the struggle. That, to me, is a useless concern about what straight people think. That’s like being an atheist and worried that Christian Fundamentalists aren’t going to like you.
The other reason it impacted me is I had almost exactly the same desire: to be swept up in male beauty, drugs, drinking, dancing and sex. I wanted the hedonistic life and was never able to have it, probably because I didn’t have the look and could only partake from the side so to speak. I could never really plunge in. Plus I have this sort of trigger I guess that prevents me from being too stupid or pulls me back from total indulgence. That’s ultimately why I quit drinking. It was getting too close for comfort to being a problem. (Some would say that that IS a problem.)
And then I was thinking about this movie the other day because I came across the soundtrack in my list of albums [the soundtrack was justifiably criticized for being a brilliant compilation of dance music but they didn’t fade from one to the other, the way dance music is supposed to be. They just played one song. It ended. And then they started the next. A dance compilation needs to be one long track from song to song. But maybe they didn’t have the money or the talent to do that.] So I looked up the movie, thinking that I’d like to see it again, and learned that Dirk Shafer, the writer and director, had died in 2015 about 11 years ago. He was 51. He died in his car and the cause was methamphetamine and cocaine toxicity. I think this means it might not have been an overdose, but he had been doing it for so long that he had a heart attack from it — probably from the coke. After writing and directing this movie he became a pilates instructor. He wrote nothing else. He had a boyfriend, I think. I was terribly saddened to hear this. It kind of makes me think that maybe he was always addicted to crystal meth — even back when he made this movie. Since one of the characters dies from snorting some drugs laced with cyanide or something like that, he almost wrote his own end.
Only one of the producers seems to have continued in the movie field, and I couldn’t find anything else about the actors or most of the people involved in the production. Maybe they changed their names. Or maybe this was a one off adventure for most of them. But I will always like this movie and I’m glad he contributed it. Nothing changed of course and the few reviews on IMDB are all about how depressing it is. I have no idea what the circuit scene is all about now, but I imagine it’s pretty much the same: lots of drugs and sex and extraordinarily beautiful men. But now with Prep!
And I’m guessing you’d have to add to Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul (pictured) and Anna Gunn to the “creator’s” list, because I don’t think this show would have achieved the same greatness as it did without them. You possibly could have had a different person as his wife, but part of what they all achieved was something that was earned through time and growth as actors. In her case, it came to be the ability to be one of the most unjustifiably hated actors on the show, and maybe of all time. But we’ll get to that because I’m rewatching it, and as I go through it, I want to make some observations that I didn’t notice the first time around.
I didn’t watch it when it ran. I don’t think I’ve watched any series during its run, except maybe Seinfeld, and when I started watching that I had already missed 3 years of it.
[N.B. Because of the length of my posts, and my overwrit
Speaking of which, Seinfeld is almost where you have to start, because both Bryan Cranston and Anna Gunn had roles on that show. Cranston was a dentist — Tim Whatley — and was he always the same dentist, because sometimes he seemed like he was a different dentist? Anna Gunn was one of Jerry’s many, many dates who he believed, because of George, was secretly dating his cousin Jeffrey, from the parks department. (It turned out to be a meter woman kissing the forehead of a horse.) Jeffrey was the cousin who seemed to have this fantastic and varied career of whatever Uncle Leo, presumably Jeffrey’s father, wanted to throw in Jerry’s face, like getting the lead in The Parks Department production of The Mikado. (What!?)
Anyway, before I get lost in Seinfeld absurdity, Breaking Bad is a term that Jesse Pinkman, Walter White’s former chemistry student, uses to help us understand what the pilot/series is about. “You want to break bad?” means, “purposely go from being a good person to a bad person.” I’m not sure if it was a real term when they used it, but Jesse, who understandably confused by his former chemistry teacher telling him out of nowhere that he wants to cook methamphetamine, asks him why.
What Jesse actually is bringing to the surface, and which will color every single thing for the rest of the series is the fact of that Walter is proud. He is too proud. He cannot explain why he wants to cook meth, he just wants to do it, no questions asked. He is too proud to say that he has cancer. He is too proud to say he is dying of cancer. He is too proud to say that he doesn’t have good health coverage that won’t pay for his cancer treatment. He is too proud to say that he can’t afford to pay for his coverage. He is too proud in every which way imaginable. Breaking Bad is actually a question. Why are you breaking bad? And maybe in a less plot-oriented way, “Why are you becoming bad?”
Just to get it out of the way, the premise is that Walter has inoperable lung cancer. It’s treatable with chemo and radiation, but it’s essentially stage 3b which is not quite hopeless but which, again through Jesse, we learn that it’s spread to his lymph nodes so there are probably multiple tumor growths.
First important note. This show was filmed before Obama was president and he and Nancy Pelosi, plus a majority of democrats, created Obamacare. He might never have “broken bad” had Obamacare existed. But this is a question which, in the second season in episode 6, I think it is, where Walter asks his brother in law Hank, what makes people become criminals. But this point, Walter is also wondering “Why?” Being such a jerk he probably thinks that it was someone else’s fault, and I think it was also in episode 6 or 7 when he gets a visit from a former colleague who he believes ripped him off. He will ultimately throw all the blame for his downfall at this woman and her husband and ultimately, at the woman herself, for not preferring him. Pride again.
Second important note. Although their roles were still teacher and student — kind of a relationship that doesn’t really change no matter how old you get — there is a critically important moment in the 2nd episode where Jesse and Walter flip a coin. The coin toss is to see which person is going to get rid of the body of Emilio by melting it in a heavy duty plastic bucket, and the much more horrible task of killing the gangster they have chained by the neck in the basement. Walt loses the toss and has to kill the gangster, while Jesse goes to Home Depot to look for a bin.
Even though he has technically already killed one person, Emilio, by causing an explosion of poison gas in their mobile meth lab, that killing was done out of desperation and when Walter was about to be killed himself. It was not a cold blooded killing and, in fact, when they thought both Emilio and “Krazy 8” were dead, he, Walter, wasn’t spending too much time feeling bad about killing these two drug dealers.
In the 3rd episode, they take to their tasks. because he couldn’t find the right size plastic bin, Jesse does his part by pulling up Emilio’s body into the bathtub and filling it with acid. (The tub later develops an enormous hole, dissolves the floor underneath, and the entire mess of body and guns come crashing through to the next floor. Some of that mess leaks through to the basement where Krazy 8 is being held prisoner.)
Walt, however, almost gives in to his human empathetic impulse to let Krazy 8 go, because they’ve had a few conversations, Walt has cut the crusts of the bread off the sandwiches he’s given him, and Krazy 8 has guessed without prompting that Walt has cancer. This is the first Walt has been able to talk about it aloud. Then, just as he’s about to let him go, Walt realizes that Krazy 8 still intends to kill him, so he grabs the bicycle lock that’s latched around the guy’s neck and pulls on it, choking him until he is dead.
Though their relationship may have been defined by the teacher/student dynamic, this coin toss determined Walter White’s fate to become a killer and a murderer. I don’t know what his “body count” will be by the end of the series, but by episode 3, it’s already 2. Jesse is not a killer, and it’ll be interesting to see if he ever kills in the series, because I actually can’t remember him killing anyone, while I do remember Walter White impassively watching Jesse’s girlfriend die from choking, I think it was, as well as his killing an entire cartel through some Odysseus like trick, and then a kind Hamlet-like, “kill em all” scene at the end of the series.
Breaking Bad is a series about the fall from good to evil, but so far — six episodes into this rewatching — it is a “breaking bad” brought about by excessive pride. He uses the excuse that he must provide for his family after his death, as well as pay for the cancer treatment in an era when no one had access to adequate health insurance.
But as will become clear, especially through his relationship with his wife, it is Walter’s excessive pride that causes him to go bad. The original definition of pride was “belief that you can exist without the aid of God.” At least that’s what a teacher told me. I’ll look it up.
-30-
It doesn’t seem possible when I feel still quite young that I could be thinking about how I will approach the latter part of my life. Or time, if those are the same thing. Personally, I think gravity and time are the same thing and life is just an accident of time and matter, but, here we are — thinking.
But I think one thing that might make me happy and give me a sense of fulfillment in spite of not having had much success is to go over all that I have written and either rewrite it or pull it into a unifying oneness. I’ve been thinking about this because I am trying to write a story about someone I knew who killed himself by self-immolation. And although you can’t actually come up with a satisfying answer — there’s a kind of Joan of Arc question behind the whole act — one thing I realized is that if you look at David’s career, much of it was dedicated to responsibility and holding people accountable when they refuse to act responsibly. He applied this belief — which you could almost say was a belief in adults — to sheriffs, lawmakers, lawyers, judges, corporate profiteers, and plain old average citizens. He believed, in all his work, that adults had to be responsible. So he, during the time I knew him, worked tirelessly on behalf of youth and was the Youth Director for Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, (now known as simply Lambda Legal.) His focus wasn’t really on youth, in a sense. His focus was on the adults who are supposed to protect, nuture, defend, and teach the youth.
When he switched from gay civil rights to environmentalism, that focus on responsibility did not change at all. He still worked with young people, but in this case, his focus on creating and living in a healthy environment was ultimately directed at the people who create an unhealthy environment. And when Trump and his minions started to destroy environmental regulations as soon as they got into office the first time around, that’s when David took his own life. That’s when he sacrificed himself, and tried, somewhat hopelessly and naively, to make his death a symbolic act.
Anyway, that is, so far, what I’ve managed to glean from my reading, my attempts to retrace his steps, and so on. For me, since I’ve spent most of my life pursuing the craft and art of writing, I think it would help me to feel that I’ve fully explained myself — for much of my work is, looking at it from the advantage of many years, incomprehensible. Most of my plays are utterly ridiculous — sometimes privileged and almost always offensive in one way or another. The very most offensive play I wrote was a one act which I threw out with the bathwater, as they say. But it was extremely funny. No one could read it without being offended and I think I probably had the worst feedback with that play.
But we will see. It’s an awful lot of work to write five novels and not rewrite them at the time. And I always wanted to make it to six, like Aldo Busi once wrote (that he wanted to write six novels and then stop).
Ultimately, I was interested in David because I am interested, right now, in trying to understand people who live incomprehensible lives, or do incomprehensible things. And this is for the purely selfish reason that I’d like people to understand me and not… I guess “wonder” about what I spent my life doing.
Regarding Busi: He is a hard reader to find in English. I’ve only managed to find two books in English: Sodomies in Eleven Point and The Standard Life of a Temporary Pantyhose Salesman. The rest are in Italian and I think he made most of his career in translation, so there is also his translation of The Decameron. I don’t know if he ever wrote the six novels he talked about. (It turns out, from his Wikipedia page, that he wrote seven, and I think none of them are translated into English except the Pantyhose Salesman novel.) The Sodomies book he doesn’t consider a novel but it had one of the most beautiful and sudden endings I’ve ever read. The book is full of sex, drugs, male violence including rape, and language so dense you sometimes need a dictionary to read a sentence. But when I got to the end, I totally understood it and I almost broke into tears.
On its own, the ending sounds almost meaningless. But after the long and torturous journey he took us on, it was extraordinarily simple and beautiful.
“Look at the moon,” he says to his mother. He was staring at the full moon from her kitchen window while she cooked him some supper. She looks out the window and says, simply, “But what if it isn’t there?”
That’s not a word. I just made it up. One of the most important lessons of writing fiction, whether in a novel, short story, screenplay or play, is the word “active.” The characters, especially the main character, must be active.
The simple breakdown is that we aren’t interested in the man sitting at a bar talking about everything he didn’t accomplish. We are interested in the man who tried. Whether he succeeded or not is irrelevant. When you go a little deeper into our interest in other people, it often begins, at least in story telling, with characters who have some nagging doubt. In other words — I’m using someone else’s words here — “We are not interested in whether a character drinks his coffee with milk or sugar, or reads the newspaper, or buys an apple in the morning. We are interested in those aspects of his daily experience that he may have doubts about being able to value.”
In some stories we often aren’t sure who the main character is, because it has a great deal of “ensemble” about it. But these are usually stories about a place. Right now I’m thinking of three Los Angeles movies, “Magnolia,” “Crash,” and “Little Miss Sunshine.” (The last is a more of a road trip that ends up in Los Angeles.) In “Magnolia” there are a few characters (well many, actually) that stand out to me — I’ll just name the actors: Tom Cruise, Jason Robards, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Julianne Moore, John C. Reilly, William H. Macy, Melora Walters, Philip Baker Hall. But the link between all of them is, more or less, the Tom Cruise character. He also has the furthest to go, emotionally, between the start of the movie and the end. His journey is reflected on almost all the other people in the different stories. They are all versions of his. Crash was a turd dressed up as a debutante so I won’t bother with that. And with “Little Miss Sunshine,” it is not Frank, the brother whose attempted suicide opens the show, nor Wayne, the self-imposed mute who wants to go to flight school, nor even Olive, whose desire to be in the Little Miss Sunshine pageant is what the story is all about. It’s Richard, the father of Olive, the husband of Cheryl, brother in law of Frank, step father of Wayne, and son of “Dad” or “Grandpa.” He is the one trying to sell his self help system, and not succeeding. He is the one who decides that they will all drive to California to take Olive to the LMS pageant. And he makes the greatest change. By the end of the film he has embraced his “loserdom,” joining all the others. Wayne, also, goes through a very dramatic change when he discovers he’s colorblind is now a “loser” like the rest of his family, but he doesn’t drive the action. In a very literal sense, Richard is the driver of the run down VW bus, and he is the driver of the story.
All of this is to say that you “figure out” who the main character is by deciding who is the most active in both a physical and emotional sense. Because often, that action is also what drives the story. And at the very essence of a story is the question, “Why are you telling this to me, now, at this moment in time.” And because of that — because of our impatience in a sense, we don’t tell the story about Hansel and Gretel at home, having a nice supper, going to bed, falling asleep and having sweet dreams. We tell the story about a famine, and a woodcutter with a wife who insists he take the children to the woods and let them fend for themselves, and the children who stumble upon a house made of gingerbread and candy, and a witch inside who, (with logic that only works in stupid fairy tells), is starving and wants to eat the children. But the boy isn’t fat enough, so the witch feeds him (again, why doesn’t she feed herself) to fatten him up, but he uses a bone to pretend he’s still too thin. Ultimately, the children push the witch into an oven or cauldron, burn her alive, escape with the help of a swan, and are reunited with the father, while their hateful mother has died of some unknown reason.
That is the difference between an active character and a passive character. In this story, the passive character is actually the father. The villain is the same person in different forms: the mother “IRL” and the witch in the gingerbread house. The active character is actually Hansel, not Gretel. Gretel is unfortunately imprisoned in the basement and Hansel is the most active: earlier in the story, he had saved some white pebbles to mark his way back home; he cleverly uses a bone to fool the witch into thinking he isn’t ready to eat, etc.
Anyway, I am actually working, even though it may not look like it, because I have an enormous of thinking to do about this particular story. It’s based on someone I once knew, informally — in fact if he were alive today he probably wouldn’t remember me — who burned himself to death in Prospect Park as a protest against fossil fuels. He was an activist — a civil rights attorney and later an environmental activist — who decided to end his life early. As far as I can tell, he did not tell his partner or the rest of his family, or his mentee, or any friends he may have had. I have been thinking about this constantly because a) I realized that it’s never going to be possible to come up with a definitive answer of why he did this and whether or not he was “depressed” or otherwise mentally anguished; and b) I have a friend who is currently going through the dying process as I’ve come to call it — (I’m borrowing the phrase from the movie “Arrival,” which is what the aliens, who can see both the future and the past, call it.) My friend is dying passively. She is letting it happen to her. She has mostly given up on all the things that kept her engaged while alive, which was primarily television, the phone and her dog. (Her dog had to be put down, but only because she hadn’t done it herself and it was in a dreadful state — riddled with tumors, etc.) She gets up as late as they let her. Sometimes they make her do some physical therapy. She eats. She sits in her room. She goes back to bed. I think they give her some sponge baths now and then. They help her with the bathroom. She has no interest in life and she has “given up” you could say, living. There is no one who could bring her back. Sometimes she finds some energy in being angry at people. And I don’t think she’s happy at all, but I also don’t think she’s depressed. She is waiting.
David was distressed during the first Trump administration when they immediately started destroying the environmental protections that we had worked for so many decades to put into place. He was already tired, physically, from the enormous strain that running a “hot composting” center put on his body, as well as his time. I believe he had also just suffered an injury in his back. A hot compost requires watering — daily I believe — and he had the watering system behind a lock, which only he had a key to. Before he burned himself, he had given the key to his mentee, and had repeated the schedule. These were some of the signs that he had made up his mind to destroy himself. But I think, besides being distressed, he was not in a depressed state. I think he probably saw the writing on the walls of where this country was going, with Trump and with the forces that created him, and because he was an activist — always had been an activist — he took action in a way that an “older” guy like himself could do.
I’ve come to the conclusion that he probably went with a great deal of hope in his heart. It may have been delusional. But I recently saw a movie that Steven Spielberg made called “Disclosure Day,” and the climactic moment of that movie is when the entire world stops what they’re doing and watches their phones to see “The truth” that aliens are living on our planet. That is utterly naive, to think that people would stop playing their games, working, running around etc., and believe what they were seeing was real. Half the world would immediately call it A.I., another quarter would call it liberal conspiracy. Why would they believe these video recordings when we just saw the same recording in the movie theatre but don’t immediately think, “Oh that must be actual footage Spielberg found.” In other words, why is “Disclosure Day” a fictional movie? That is Spielberg’s naivete showing, in much the same way that Woody Allen’s New York movies don’t look anything like New York.
David may have been as naive about the impact of his action or the reverberations. Perhaps he went to his death thinking that his sacrifice would alter the course of history. But as was tragically made clear, it just ended up with a bunch of people on Facebook calling him a liberal idiot, or sympathizing with the enormous pain he must have been in, and with calls to contact a local suicide prevention hotline, and trigger warnings.
But he was an activist and he was active. That is something that I keep returning to — probably because I have so many doubts about whether or not I am active or passive. I tend to think that I’m more passive — and generally I’ve tried to defend passivity wherever I can — because it is so looked down upon. And you can even flip passivity onto its head and, in a convoluted way, like Martin Luther King, turn passivity into action. “Actively passive,” I think is the term.
But its central to living, I think. And story-telling. A passive creature cannot survive. This is why people like my 89 year old friend who are going through the dying process start playing a waiting game. They do not wish to kill themselves. They may be afraid of it. Maybe they don’t believe in it. Maybe they still enjoy a little bit about being alive. But they also can’t be active anymore, in whatever way that was for them.
In a way, no one is actually passive if they are alive. but when it comes to stories, we look for the active moments — the small, sometimes very small, moments in our lives when are in pursuit, or trying to save ourselves, or save the world, or, in David’s case, call attention to the something.
Just thoughts. Never thought a short story would cause this much thinking.
Sometimes I’ll read something by a well-known, lauded author and have absolutely no idea what he or she is talking about. I just finished an old review by John Updike of an Alan Hollinghurst novel. I couldn’t tell if it was a good review or a bad review. But I think it was mostly a complaining review: that because Hollingurst’s novel was mainly about homosexual males, it was dull. This was the last line of his review.
Perhaps the male homosexual, uncushioned as he is by society’s circumambient encouragements to breed, feels the isolated, disquieted human condition with a special bleakness: he must take it straight.
I don’t know what “he must take it straight” means, in this context. Or was he just trying to be clever by using the word straight and got away with a meaningless clause? The gist of the review was that he, Updike, couldn’t relate to a bunch of gay guys that didn’t have to worry about such things as children (Updike calls it breeding), marriage, and family. The sentence would make more sense if it didn’t have the “he must take it straight” attached. “Perhaps gays feel the human condition with a special bleakness.” Perhaps we do. I don’t think we do, but it’s a possibility and I could consider it in the same way that people in a cult might claim to be happier than people who are not. Maybe they are.
But then you have to look at the assumption he makes: “uncushioned as he is,” and “by society’s circumambient encouragements to breed.” He assumes that the pressure society puts on people to marry and have children is a cushion rather than some sort of Iron Maiden. This, to me, is absolute lunacy. But it does express the feelings of many people — perhaps a majority of people — who prefer to live under systems of control: they know what they can do and can’t do. They know the limits. They know what they can get away with. They know what to pursue and what not to bother with. They know the world will treat them well if they have 2 1/2 children.
If this is what he talking about, then taking it straight must mean “taking life’s bleakness” without any mixers or dilutions, as in a drink. A straight whisky, for example, as opposed to “neat” or “on the rocks” or “with a twist.”
I think this is a good example of why English literature studies decided to reject “Dead White Men” or in other cases, the “Straight white male.” Updike’s inability to relate to a bunch of gays who aren’t concerned with heterosexual lives implies that all things must relate, somehow, to the straight white man. Like if it doesn’t interest a straight white guy, then it’s not worth publishing. I realize this is a terrible simplification, and all based on a review of a forgotten book. But it’s kind of exemplary of the difficulty we, all of us, have in finding interest in cultures outside our own. It’s well documented and even if you did your own friend-survey you’d probably find a couple or maybe even a handful of women who read novels, but no men. And if any of your men friends do read, they will probably read non-fiction books about wars, science, technology, history. Religious people will read about their own religion — (which is the wrong thing to do. If you’re interested in spirituality, you should read about other people’s religions.). But if you ask men, “Are they interested in women’s stories,” they will probably say no. But if you ask women, they will say they are interested in both women’s and men’s stories. Women propelled one of the most popular gay novels into the upper ranks, “A Little Life,” and also, recently, “Heated Rivalary.” The former I couldn’t stand and almost pulped my copy of it. The latter I haven’t read and probably won’t. But it isn’t men making these books into huge successes.
Straight white men have always been interested in straight white men. Shakespeare, our first and probably the only writer absolutely necessary, other than, perhaps, Homer, actually did show an interest in both male and female lives, as well as other races and religions. But he had to write “on the down low” in some sense. He was writing under a totalitarian government, so there is no contemporary criticism of his own era. Every single play of his takes place in another country, or in another time. But he also gave life to more female characters that remain alive today in our consciousness: more than Virginia Woolf or Aphra Behn or his own contemporary Christopher Marlowe. Think of Lady MacBeth, Cleopatra, Juliet, Ophelia, Beatrice, or Claudia. I’m probably missing some. They are all women (and one girl) in their own right. We can think of them as their own personalities — not as appendages to men.
But for the most part, straight white men have written about straight white men. And Updike is the same. When confronted with a lifestyle he could not stomach or conceive, he complained about it. Condemned it as particularly bleak. (And this, despite his own life, being an absolute mess of serial infidelity and chaos).
The review is from 1999 so it’s now ancient history already. But actually, it was in the 80s when people started to question the “dead white men” aspect of literature studies. In a way, he was still stuck in the 60s when he was forced to read and review this novel.
The book, by the way, was “The Spell,” which I didn’t read and might have disliked as much as Updike did. I read “The Swimming Pool Library,” and thought it was terrific. But “In the Line of Beauty,” I couldn’t even read 10 pages. Hollinghurst has always been a little hit or miss for me.
I was walking down the street and passed the playground of a public school. The teachers had apparently told all the children to line up, with the boy at one end of the line and the girls at the other. As I walked down the sidewalk, I noticed that many of the boys were doing muscle man type poses — flexing their tiny muscles. Then, when I reached the girls end of the line, the girls were all hugging each other.
I’m going to the library today because I realized, from the small class I took, that you must absolutely have a place or a space to go when you want to write. Sometimes, when you’re younger, that “space” can be the corner of your couch. But for me, nowadays, I must seclude myself to do work. So I’m going to start today with the library.
I want to work on this story which is essentially a story about bullying, but it’s about bullying that comes from a different angle. I don’t want to do the thing where you would talk about how awful bullying is, and it seems to me that almost all of human interaction could be taken as a form of bullying. When someone yells at someone, even for legitimate reasons: “You blocked my driveway you asshole,” or “For the umpteenth time, my last name is xyz,” that might be bullying.
But what happened with the classroom comments is that this one particular guy — an awful person — said, “Oh for God’s sake, it’s been 50 years, can’t you get over it.” He was talking to the character, not to me. But I thought, “Well that actually just proves my point.” Because every bullied person who tries to talk about the trauma of being bullied, always gets that answer. I can almost guarantee that every single person in the world who has been bullied and traumatized has been told to “get over it.”
This is the same attitude that women all over the world tried to battle with the MeToo movement. People thought that what they were describing was either “bad sex” or dates that didn’t go well.
I told 2 people, I think that was the extent of it, that my first… what I would call “genital experience” was oral rape. Both of them gay men, they laughed and I decided I would never again tell anyone that being orally raped created a trauma that I still have. It didn’t destroy my sex life — in fact, even after the incident which happened when I was 18, I still kept walking around wondering about when I was going to lose my virginity. I had been trying to “lose it” for a couple of years, but high school was impossible, so then I began college and still kept thinking about it. I never thought about a woman. It was always a man. I was one of those that never, as far back as I can remember, ever had a doubt.
But, in a weird incident that lasted about 30 seconds, someone walked into a public bathroom, into my stall, shoved his dick in my mouth, held my head against his stinking crotch, ejaculated, forcing me to swallow it, and then ran away after quickly zipping up. He had a small dick because I didn’t choke or vomit, which I would have if it had been larger and reached that gagging area.
It was Burned into my brain. And from then on, I could not use my mouth to do very much except kiss — and even kissing I really didn’t like too much. It really depended on how aggressive the guy was being, and men tend to be very aggressive. I had trouble being touched, by anyone more or less, whether friendly or not. And I could never initiate. I was watching a rerun of a show recently and the contestants were told to do something that resembled a date that they had had. And I realized that I don’t think I ever went on a date. That aspect just never was “in there.” It was never anything that came up as a desire. Sex was always there — at least in a form that I could tolerate. And pornography also became something that kind of helped in a bizarre therapeutic way. I would be able to watch, for example, men use their mouths in a way that was impossible for me. In a way, what I was unable to do physically, became erotic when I could watch it in someone else.
But yea, since I started working on this bullying piece, and especially since that asshole in Florida made that comment about “just get over it already,” I’ve encountered so many instances of bullying that it seems to me it is just as terrible a problem as it ever was. Thanks to computers and the Internet, we now have online bullying and, in probably what the best episode of “Black Mirror,” the episode called “Hated In The Nation,” which begins with a journalist bully, getting bullied herself and murdered by what appears to be an internet hashtag. The truth is much more convoluted — that’s why it’s a good mystery.
